Well, the dreaded one year mark has come. Jon and I have officially been in the pool of candidates for exactly one year. I can remember the excitement and possibility of getting into the pool like it was yesterday. But somehow, somewhere over the course of this past year, the idea of an adoption has become foreign to Jon and me. That is not to say we do not want to adopt a baby....nothing could be farther from the truth. We are just shocked at how quickly we have become disconnected from the idea that at any moment of any day, our lives could change for the better. We no longer feel any excitement when the phone rings or read book after book after book about babies. It seems that without warning, our lives have returned back to places they were in pre-adoption. And that either means we are in for the shock of our lives or that we have subconsciously been preparing ourselves for the idea that this may never happen. I don't want to give the impression that we are in a constant state of self-pity about the adoption because that isn't true. But for every ounce of you that gets excited about possibility, you HAVE to have an equal part of yourself remain cautious and guarded. That is the genius of the human brain! We do have moments of self-pity still, but we always come back to the old adage, "if it's meant to happen, it will happen."
There is still a lot of time for things to progress. Jon and I self-imposed a two-year pool waiting timeline, but said that we would leave it open to discussion and reevaluate where we are at in our lives as to whether we wanted to proceed for longer than two years. And some people might think that if we really wanted a child, we would wait as long as we possibly could before giving up. But what the majority of those people will not and cannot understand are the limitations that get placed on your life when you make such a commitment. You cannot move, your vacation schedule becomes limited (have to save vacation days for the baby), making huge changes in your life (house changes, vacations, investments) become majorly constricted as you save for the arrival of a baby. Jon and I want to be able to plan for our future, but that is impossible to do without knowing if you will or will not have a baby.
We want to thank everyone over the past year who has given us words of encouragement, prayed for us, or sent us good vibes regarding the adoption. We will use all of that as we move into the second half of our "waiting game." And a special thank you to my family whose impromptu toasts at New Years Eve regarding the adoption gave me a much needed boost of energy.
February 10, 2012
November 29, 2011
No News is Good News?
Weeeeell, just a reminder. We have not neglected the blog in any way, shape, or form. My creativity has run dry for the past few months as I struggle on how to blog on no new updates.
Maybe adopting babies is a lot like searching for love. The harder you chase it, the more fleeting it becomes. So, Jon and I continue to just plug along hoping/praying that one totally ordinary day in our lives will become that one extraordinary day in our lives.
We are quickly approaching the one year mark for being in the pool of candidates which will be a milestone we won't necessarily be excited to celebrate, but nevertheless we haven't given up hope.
Maybe adopting babies is a lot like searching for love. The harder you chase it, the more fleeting it becomes. So, Jon and I continue to just plug along hoping/praying that one totally ordinary day in our lives will become that one extraordinary day in our lives.
We are quickly approaching the one year mark for being in the pool of candidates which will be a milestone we won't necessarily be excited to celebrate, but nevertheless we haven't given up hope.
September 19, 2011
Video Killed the Radio Star
Okay, so maybe we weren't radio stars, but I think this video is our star-making roles. Okay, totally joking of course.
In total, we did have to submit our video three different times befor the agency liked it. And in turn, that was probably nearly 30 takes on our end before we liked one that we wanted to submit to the agency.
However, when all is said and done, we are just happy that it is complete. I can barely stand to look at it or stomach hearing myself talk on camera, so hopefully others won't be as harsh. Here is a link to our video after our adoption agency edited it to look nice:
In total, we did have to submit our video three different times befor the agency liked it. And in turn, that was probably nearly 30 takes on our end before we liked one that we wanted to submit to the agency.
However, when all is said and done, we are just happy that it is complete. I can barely stand to look at it or stomach hearing myself talk on camera, so hopefully others won't be as harsh. Here is a link to our video after our adoption agency edited it to look nice:
August 22, 2011
Video Reshoot
Well, we didn't get favorable reviews on our first video so Jon and I had to do a re-shoot this weekend. We were accused of talking too fast, not sounding conversational enough, and trying to fit too much in.
Once the reviews are in on our second attempt, we will work on getting it posted unless a third re-shoot is necessary.
We left up our make-shift "video shoot" area in the baby's room just in case we have to give it another go.
Once the reviews are in on our second attempt, we will work on getting it posted unless a third re-shoot is necessary.
We left up our make-shift "video shoot" area in the baby's room just in case we have to give it another go.
August 15, 2011
Lights, Camera, Action.....Take #55!
As our adoption agency rushes to compete with other adoption agencies that are using social media as a way to reach their target audience, Jon and I find ourselves constantly being tasked with projects we weren't expecting.
Last week, we were told we were going to extend our online profiles to include an additional three pictures which was very exciting as it is terrifying to think that one picture may make or break some one's perception of you. And this week, we were told that their website will now support video and we needed to create a video to go with our profile. Additionally, the video would be possibly posted on the agency's Facebook page and YouTube site.
Jon and I were fine with these assignments baring a few major issues:
After we got everything into place, Jon and I proceeded to do nearly 20 takes (that is NOT an exaggeration). Sometimes, it was as simple as I accidentally introduced myself as Jon instead of Keith. Or every now and again, Jon would let out a giggle at something I said. Or sometimes it was because neither of us realized the nervous ticks we have when under pressure. I can't sit still, itch my face uncontrollably, and gulp at awkward moments. Jon is a head darted......looking at me, then the camera, at me, then the camera, at me, then the camera every 2 seconds. So, by the time we got that all under control AND said what we needed to say in a calm and intelligent manner, we were 20 takes in. We were exhausted when all is said and done.
Once we get the approval and the video goes up on our profile, I will provide a link.
Last week, we were told we were going to extend our online profiles to include an additional three pictures which was very exciting as it is terrifying to think that one picture may make or break some one's perception of you. And this week, we were told that their website will now support video and we needed to create a video to go with our profile. Additionally, the video would be possibly posted on the agency's Facebook page and YouTube site.
Jon and I were fine with these assignments baring a few major issues:
- The technical guidelines were SO specific that our video camera did not support them. Additionally, zero cameras at Best Buy supported the guidelines either. So we were forced to go with a non-camera camera that specializes in posting videos to blogs/YouTube. We were forced to spend a whopping $212 to buy a Sony Bloggie Touch which we do not want to use as a permanent video camera, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
- Jon and I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE the way we sound on video. I mean we literally both cringe when we hear ourselves on video. I think Jon sounds normal on video, but I sound like a purse just fell out of my mouth or that I am the Grand Marshall of the gayest gay pride parade in town.
- Video cannot be longer than 2 minutes and 15 seconds, period.
- It has to be shot shoulders up in front of a white wall
- The following questions/topics must be hit upon in the following time increments:
- Introduce Yourselves (10 Seconds Combined)
- Tell What You Admire About Each Other (1 Minute Combined)
- Tell Why Open Adoption Appeals To You (1 Minute Combined)
- And the cardinal rule which we broke BIG TIME.....don't do any retakes.
After we got everything into place, Jon and I proceeded to do nearly 20 takes (that is NOT an exaggeration). Sometimes, it was as simple as I accidentally introduced myself as Jon instead of Keith. Or every now and again, Jon would let out a giggle at something I said. Or sometimes it was because neither of us realized the nervous ticks we have when under pressure. I can't sit still, itch my face uncontrollably, and gulp at awkward moments. Jon is a head darted......looking at me, then the camera, at me, then the camera, at me, then the camera every 2 seconds. So, by the time we got that all under control AND said what we needed to say in a calm and intelligent manner, we were 20 takes in. We were exhausted when all is said and done.
Once we get the approval and the video goes up on our profile, I will provide a link.
August 10, 2011
And Then There Were Four.....
Well, we knew that it was likely that at least one of the five couples in our Seattle Adoption Seminar (held by our actual adoption agency) would get placed with a baby. Of course, we selfishly hoped it would be us first. And we received word in the last week that indeed a couple from our session was chosen and now they are the proud parents of a beautiful baby boy.
I playfully described each of the couples in our Seattle Seminar blog posting from October 24, 2010. I described this couple as "the young couple (our age) who had trouble conceiving and were just content listening to the rest of us interact."
It is a strange mixture of excitement and sadness. It is obvious that this was not supposed to be our baby as fate chose this other couple as the parents. However, it also hits way closer to home than any other birth announcement. Jon and I receive monthly updates of which couples (or individuals ) were placed with a baby, but every other time we have heard that a baby was placed with a couple, they are a faceless name. We have no connection to them besides this very, very intense and emotional journey. However, when we heard the news this time....for this particular couple, it felt much more intense, much more real, much more hopeful, and much more discouraging all in one. It comes back to the mind game where you struggle to balance positive thinking with realistic thinking. On one hand you have "wow, it is great to see progress and know that it really can happen at any moment in your life." And on the other hand you have "how much longer can I continue this torture of will it or won't it happen"?
Anyways, we continue to walk along through life hoping that at the moment when we least expect it....BAM.....our moment will arrive!!
I playfully described each of the couples in our Seattle Seminar blog posting from October 24, 2010. I described this couple as "the young couple (our age) who had trouble conceiving and were just content listening to the rest of us interact."
It is a strange mixture of excitement and sadness. It is obvious that this was not supposed to be our baby as fate chose this other couple as the parents. However, it also hits way closer to home than any other birth announcement. Jon and I receive monthly updates of which couples (or individuals ) were placed with a baby, but every other time we have heard that a baby was placed with a couple, they are a faceless name. We have no connection to them besides this very, very intense and emotional journey. However, when we heard the news this time....for this particular couple, it felt much more intense, much more real, much more hopeful, and much more discouraging all in one. It comes back to the mind game where you struggle to balance positive thinking with realistic thinking. On one hand you have "wow, it is great to see progress and know that it really can happen at any moment in your life." And on the other hand you have "how much longer can I continue this torture of will it or won't it happen"?
Anyways, we continue to walk along through life hoping that at the moment when we least expect it....BAM.....our moment will arrive!!
July 26, 2011
The Dreaded "E" Word!
Ugh, as if waiting and waiting wasn't emotionally difficult enough, we received our first notification that parts of our home study are ready to EXPIRE! What....how in God's name is this even possible? Jon and I were our own worst enemies looking back. We were SO efficient at filling out/gathering our required documents that the home study agency and adoption agency weren't ready for us. They had no idea they would recieve our information so quickly. So our documents sat and sat for months. So even though we officially entered the pool on February 10, 2011, our physicals and background checks were finished in July & August of 2010. So, now Jon and I have to get these back up-to-date or else our profile gets pulled from the adoption agency and we cannot be selected.
It is incredibly aggravating that literally nothing about our profile has changed (we didn't move, we didn't switch jobs, we didn't win the lottery, we didn't separate, etc.) but we still have to re-fill out these insanely long forms. The best part about the forms is that they are the type of PDF documents that prevent you from saving them, so we will have to re-write everything from scratch. Seriously.....enough with these forms already!!
It is incredibly aggravating that literally nothing about our profile has changed (we didn't move, we didn't switch jobs, we didn't win the lottery, we didn't separate, etc.) but we still have to re-fill out these insanely long forms. The best part about the forms is that they are the type of PDF documents that prevent you from saving them, so we will have to re-write everything from scratch. Seriously.....enough with these forms already!!
May 20, 2011
Newborn Infant Care Classes - Class Two
Well we successfully made it through our second and final Newborn Infant Care Class. This class was 100% hands-on. The emphasis of the class was on the following:
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| Sweet Baby Mika |
• Changing Diapers
• Holding a Newborn
• Bathing a Newborn
• Swaddling a Newborn
We were each told to "grab a baby" from a table of babies. I grabbed this baby who we thoughtfully named Mika which is the #1 contending name that Jon's mom wants us to name our baby. We figured if we don't name our actual baby Mika, this would at least be paying respect to her. The babies were not like real babies and because their arms and legs were not flexible, it made most of these tasks almost impossible.
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| Me swaddling Mika. |
If we had to grade each other on swaddling, Jon would get an A+ and I would get a D-. I personally would consider swaddling a mathematical calculation and in all fairness, Jon was a math major in college and I was not (I will just leave it at that and not reveal my academic ineptness at math) so it was only natural that he would be better than me. I mean, you are after all folding the blanket into different geometric shapes and geometry and me.....we don't mix......EVER!!
Changing Diapers was not biggie for either Jon or me. We both have done it numerous times. However, there were at least 4-5 people in a room of 20 who never had changed a diaper before which was interesting to us.
We bathed our babies and Jon and I split the duties. I took the top half and Jon took the bottom half which is by far the more complicated half. It was nice because we learned about cleaning the umbilical cord, cleaning a circumcision, and cleaning the important areas in general.
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| Jon holding Mika. See, he looks like a pro! |
And finally, Jon and I felt like naturals with the holding the baby section. The instructor showed us 10 or so holds and made us practice. She also made us practice talking to our plastic babies which was by far the most awkward part of the whole class.
I think the most entertaining part of the whole class however was the guy who fell asleep in class and his wife kept nudging him to wake up because she was mortified. But he just kept falling asleep and you could tell he was going to get the ass-chewing of his life when he got home. You can fall asleep during a movie, watching TV, during history class, but you do not fall asleep during Newborn Infant Care Class when your wife is 8 months pregnant. I don't know about you, but I smell a Father of the Year trophy in his near future!
May 13, 2011
Newborn Infant Care Classes - Class One
Jon and I are taking a two part class on Newborn Infant Care from the local hospital in St. Paul. This all came about upon the suggestion of my wonderful friend Julie who noted that her husband Alvin got a lot out of these type of classes. Jon and I have been really excited, but equally terrified because of the whole "which of these couples is not like the rest" looks we get. And boy oh boy, this class did not disappoint!! We stood outside the door trying to rubberneck and see what kind of couples were inside. After standing in the hall like losers for two minutes debating whether or not we had the strength to walk through the door, I finally took charge and busted on it. Within four seconds of entering the door, the female instructor announces in front of all the couples already in the room......."Wooooow, two dads and noooooooooo mommy?" It wasn't a statement so much as a question and this began our awkward journey through Newborn Infant Care.
I have to note that there were seven couples total and two singles - a soon-to-be mom and a soon-to-be dad who were not together. And of those seven couples, only one of them besides Jon and I were married. I found that very interesting! We were told we have to introduce ourselves and tell everyone our scheduled due date (cue the panicked expressions on the faces of Jon and I) I tried pulling out the old "in case you couldn't tell, neither of us is actually due to give birth" joke to lighten the mood and was greeted to a mixed reaction of laughter and scowls.
Anywho, we covered a variety of things including states of infant consciousness, cues that your baby is overstimulated, crib safety, and general infant appearance. This was the informational class and next week will be the hands on portion (bathing, swaddling, etc.) which will be great. We did get to see a slide show of all the different non-critical and temporary abnormalities that could be present in an infant (cone head, cradle cap, etc.) so that we were not alarmed at the appearance of our baby should any of those abnormalities be present. And I just have to say that I have never seen so many nipples in my entire lifetime (cue the jokes). I mean I am fascinated by the female body's ability to carry off such a magnificent and amazing task, but seriously, are the one minute closeups (no exaggeration!) necessary in the video that is blown up to the size of a movie theatre screen? There was literally no safe place to look in the room!! Looking at the screen made me feel perverted and looking around the room made me look uncomfortable with female anatomy which for the record I am not. Only when the nipple is big enough to body slam me do I feel awkward!! I could feel the uncontrollable giggles starting so I had to go to my "safe place" in order not to make a complete fool of myself......and Jon!
Class Two is next Thursday.
I have to note that there were seven couples total and two singles - a soon-to-be mom and a soon-to-be dad who were not together. And of those seven couples, only one of them besides Jon and I were married. I found that very interesting! We were told we have to introduce ourselves and tell everyone our scheduled due date (cue the panicked expressions on the faces of Jon and I) I tried pulling out the old "in case you couldn't tell, neither of us is actually due to give birth" joke to lighten the mood and was greeted to a mixed reaction of laughter and scowls.
Anywho, we covered a variety of things including states of infant consciousness, cues that your baby is overstimulated, crib safety, and general infant appearance. This was the informational class and next week will be the hands on portion (bathing, swaddling, etc.) which will be great. We did get to see a slide show of all the different non-critical and temporary abnormalities that could be present in an infant (cone head, cradle cap, etc.) so that we were not alarmed at the appearance of our baby should any of those abnormalities be present. And I just have to say that I have never seen so many nipples in my entire lifetime (cue the jokes). I mean I am fascinated by the female body's ability to carry off such a magnificent and amazing task, but seriously, are the one minute closeups (no exaggeration!) necessary in the video that is blown up to the size of a movie theatre screen? There was literally no safe place to look in the room!! Looking at the screen made me feel perverted and looking around the room made me look uncomfortable with female anatomy which for the record I am not. Only when the nipple is big enough to body slam me do I feel awkward!! I could feel the uncontrollable giggles starting so I had to go to my "safe place" in order not to make a complete fool of myself......and Jon!
Class Two is next Thursday.
May 5, 2011
Day 84 - No News is Boring News
Well, our Count Up Clock is on the fritz.....AGAIN! Anyways, it is day 84 since we entered the pool of candidates and we just wanted to inform everyone that we haven't abandoned the blog or are letting it fall by the wayside. There literally is nothing to report. It has been rather quiet as of lately with regards to the adoption.
Jon and I both report to each other that every now and again at an extremely random moment in time (taking a shower, driving to work, making a sandwich), one of us will get a "today may be the day" chill up our spine. And while so far none of them have proven to be anything, it temporarily reignites our excitement after day-upon-day of no news.
Jon and I both report to each other that every now and again at an extremely random moment in time (taking a shower, driving to work, making a sandwich), one of us will get a "today may be the day" chill up our spine. And while so far none of them have proven to be anything, it temporarily reignites our excitement after day-upon-day of no news.
April 6, 2011
Our First Screening Call
We received our first screening call yesterday. It couldn't have come at a better time and gave Jon and I the added boost we needed to stay positive throughout this process. A screening call is essentially a way for the agency to compare a birth mother's situation against our parameters for adopting a baby including drug usage, baby's race, baby's age, etc. If you are a potential match or a close match, they will call you to advise you of the exact specifics of the situation so you can make a judgement call as to whether this particular situation would be a fit for you or not. This does not mean we would have been choosen if we said yes. They are asking other potential screens whose parameters were also close but not an exact match about the same situation and then will send the profiles of the screeners who said "yes" to the birthmother. In the end, the birthmother still gets to choose.
The birthmother was Hispanic and had a 16 month old Hispanic/Caucasian baby. She was also 5 weeks pregnant with a Hispanic/African American baby. While the race of the babies are defintely not an issue for Jon and I....the age of the older child and the financial constratints (mainly that we had prepared for one child and not two) were of serious concern to us. A 16 month old is more than old enough to know it was taken away from its original mother and it could form some seroius attachment issues which would come to surface once the child got older. Additoinally, the mother wanted both of the children adopted to the same family. While we immeslely respect her for wanting to keep the siblings togehter, this is a little more than Jon and I may be able to handle all at once. It would be really hard to take care of a newborn and make sure the 16 month old was receiving the appropriate attention to make sure it didn't begin forming attachement disorders.
While in the end it wasn't a match for Jon and I, it keeps us motivated and reminds us that "the call" could come at any moment in our lives.
The birthmother was Hispanic and had a 16 month old Hispanic/Caucasian baby. She was also 5 weeks pregnant with a Hispanic/African American baby. While the race of the babies are defintely not an issue for Jon and I....the age of the older child and the financial constratints (mainly that we had prepared for one child and not two) were of serious concern to us. A 16 month old is more than old enough to know it was taken away from its original mother and it could form some seroius attachment issues which would come to surface once the child got older. Additoinally, the mother wanted both of the children adopted to the same family. While we immeslely respect her for wanting to keep the siblings togehter, this is a little more than Jon and I may be able to handle all at once. It would be really hard to take care of a newborn and make sure the 16 month old was receiving the appropriate attention to make sure it didn't begin forming attachement disorders.
While in the end it wasn't a match for Jon and I, it keeps us motivated and reminds us that "the call" could come at any moment in our lives.
March 21, 2011
Baby Duties & Baby's Dooties
Well, my adorable nephew Liam was baptized last weekend and I am honored to be one of his Godparents. He did fantastic and I may be partial, but I think he was the cutest baby that has ever been baptized. He wore an all white suit with a vest and matching tie. I almost died....almost died!
I was in MI from Friday night through Monday afternoon and wanted to do as much as possible to help alleviate the sleeplessness of my sister and brother-in-law. I don't want to sound like I was a Saint or anything like that because I still fit in plenty of "butt on couch time"!
I volunteered to do baby duties and was put through my first "Baby Boot Camp." I don't think there is more valuable experience in the world than offering to do middle of the night duties or allow mom and dad to make a quick run to the store while still having the safety of mom and dad around in case I needed help or had a question. And for the most part, Liam went pretty easy on me. I did get a dooty that smeared all the way up his back, he peed on me, and he spit up on himself and me twice. But I also got to help give him a bath, rock him to sleep, feed him, change him, and dress him.
And it was in those times that I looked down at him and wondered how anyone could give a little, helpless being like him up for adoption. Don't get me wrong, I am going to be eternally grateful to the person(s) who has the strength to give us their child, but in those moments with Liam, I knew that I don't think I could do it if the tables were turned. And that is where I think the huge misconception with adoption comes in. Most people think that people put their babies up for adoption because they don't care, but I have a feeling that when the time comes to take our baby from its birth mother's arms, it will be the most difficult moment of that woman's life. And it isn't because she doesn't care....it is because she cares so much for that baby that she knows she cannot give it the quality of life it deserves.
Whoa, this blog entry took a TOTALLY different turn than originally intended. Back on course! Anyways, being with Liam was great and I find myself really missing him. I can't wait to see him and my family again!!!
Here is a picture of Liam and I at brunch after the Baptism. I am not sure why my nose looks SO big in this picture, but Liam as usual looks flawless!! Note: I am totally starting to look like a natural, don't you think? You should have seen the first time I held him two months ago, I was about as flexible as concrete because I was soooooo terrified.
I was in MI from Friday night through Monday afternoon and wanted to do as much as possible to help alleviate the sleeplessness of my sister and brother-in-law. I don't want to sound like I was a Saint or anything like that because I still fit in plenty of "butt on couch time"!
I volunteered to do baby duties and was put through my first "Baby Boot Camp." I don't think there is more valuable experience in the world than offering to do middle of the night duties or allow mom and dad to make a quick run to the store while still having the safety of mom and dad around in case I needed help or had a question. And for the most part, Liam went pretty easy on me. I did get a dooty that smeared all the way up his back, he peed on me, and he spit up on himself and me twice. But I also got to help give him a bath, rock him to sleep, feed him, change him, and dress him.
And it was in those times that I looked down at him and wondered how anyone could give a little, helpless being like him up for adoption. Don't get me wrong, I am going to be eternally grateful to the person(s) who has the strength to give us their child, but in those moments with Liam, I knew that I don't think I could do it if the tables were turned. And that is where I think the huge misconception with adoption comes in. Most people think that people put their babies up for adoption because they don't care, but I have a feeling that when the time comes to take our baby from its birth mother's arms, it will be the most difficult moment of that woman's life. And it isn't because she doesn't care....it is because she cares so much for that baby that she knows she cannot give it the quality of life it deserves.
Whoa, this blog entry took a TOTALLY different turn than originally intended. Back on course! Anyways, being with Liam was great and I find myself really missing him. I can't wait to see him and my family again!!!
Here is a picture of Liam and I at brunch after the Baptism. I am not sure why my nose looks SO big in this picture, but Liam as usual looks flawless!! Note: I am totally starting to look like a natural, don't you think? You should have seen the first time I held him two months ago, I was about as flexible as concrete because I was soooooo terrified.
March 17, 2011
The Baby's Room
HOW COULD I FORGET THIS? Jon and I cleaned house in a major way. We got rid of all of our mis-matched furniture and bought new furniture to replace it (a few weeks ago). This was going to be our last major purchase before the baby came (sidebar: thanks to a leaky roof, the furniture will NOT be our last major purchase before the baby comes).
In the process, we moved furniture all around our house. We moved matresses from one room to another, downstairs furniture is now upstairs, upstairs furniture is now downstairs. Additionally, we transformed the "dogs room" which was one of our upstairs bedroom into a baby's room. It is a very sad baby's room however. It consists of a rocking chair and our emergency baby "to go" bag. Oh yea, and we have two cute little baby shirts hanging on hangers in the closet that Jon get when skiing in CO.
There are two schools of thought on the prepartion of the baby's room when adopting:
In the process, we moved furniture all around our house. We moved matresses from one room to another, downstairs furniture is now upstairs, upstairs furniture is now downstairs. Additionally, we transformed the "dogs room" which was one of our upstairs bedroom into a baby's room. It is a very sad baby's room however. It consists of a rocking chair and our emergency baby "to go" bag. Oh yea, and we have two cute little baby shirts hanging on hangers in the closet that Jon get when skiing in CO.
There are two schools of thought on the prepartion of the baby's room when adopting:
- It will keep you excited, motivated, and take your mind off of the process if you paint it, decorate, buy furniture, etc.
- It will keep you depressed, angry, and resentful everytime you pass the finished room and realize you still don't have a baby and that there is no guarantee that you will ever have a baby.
Baby Classes
Thanks to my brilliant friend Julie (whose husband attended baby classes at a local hospital), Jon and I will be taking "Newborn Care" classes on May 12th and May 19th. Even though we can't predict if or when we will get a baby, we just want to be as prepared as possible. This is sure to be another humiliating experience for Jon and I as everyone in the room plays the fun old fashioned game of "what are those two guys who arrived together and look really nervous doing in our Newborn Care class? Are they here to snatch our babies or turn them gay?'' Though Jon and I use these experiences as preparation for when we will receive those stares/questions when we have a newborn baby, possibly of another race.
The best part is that every form we have filled out (including my registration for this class) has required a Mother's name and a Father's name. It is funny how we didn't flip a coin or wrestle to see who would be Mother on all of the forms. It was just automatically me. I should just legally change my name to "Keith Burgess (Adoptive Father)" since that is what all of my forms say when they ask for Mother's Name.
Jon and I think we should open an adoption agency or more importantly a "forms" agency where we can eliminate these types of humiliations for people. Thank God Jon and I don't get penalized for the use of N/A because half of our forms are covered with N/A.
The best part is that every form we have filled out (including my registration for this class) has required a Mother's name and a Father's name. It is funny how we didn't flip a coin or wrestle to see who would be Mother on all of the forms. It was just automatically me. I should just legally change my name to "Keith Burgess (Adoptive Father)" since that is what all of my forms say when they ask for Mother's Name.
Jon and I think we should open an adoption agency or more importantly a "forms" agency where we can eliminate these types of humiliations for people. Thank God Jon and I don't get penalized for the use of N/A because half of our forms are covered with N/A.
March 10, 2011
Clean as a Whistle!!
As I mentioned before, the downside of having a baby born in another state is the fact that you are stuck in that state until you are cleared to leave and come back to your own state. This is fine and dandy while the baby is at the hospital, but once the baby leaves the hospital there is a great potential that the first few days of its life are going to be spent in a hotel room as I discussed in previous posts.
The other unfortunate part we have found is that we may not have access to the "normal" sterilizing methods afforded to other couples. This includes our baby's clothes and bottles. So on Sunday, Jon and I had a baby clothes washing and bottle sterilization day. Talk about the blind leading the blind. You would thought we were working at the Department of Health in full body suits the way we were handling things in our kitchen. We then placed all the prodcuts into air tight bags. While we aren't as concerned about the clothing (as long as it isn't brand new and scratchy), we do realize that the bottles will need to be re-sterilized. But this gives us the peace of mind of knowing that atleast it was done once (properly). In the hotel, we will have microwaveable sterilization bags which will allows us to kill any additional cling-on germs. We will probably continue to appropriately sterilize the bottles (with boiling water) every few months until we are selected.
The other unfortunate part we have found is that we may not have access to the "normal" sterilizing methods afforded to other couples. This includes our baby's clothes and bottles. So on Sunday, Jon and I had a baby clothes washing and bottle sterilization day. Talk about the blind leading the blind. You would thought we were working at the Department of Health in full body suits the way we were handling things in our kitchen. We then placed all the prodcuts into air tight bags. While we aren't as concerned about the clothing (as long as it isn't brand new and scratchy), we do realize that the bottles will need to be re-sterilized. But this gives us the peace of mind of knowing that atleast it was done once (properly). In the hotel, we will have microwaveable sterilization bags which will allows us to kill any additional cling-on germs. We will probably continue to appropriately sterilize the bottles (with boiling water) every few months until we are selected.
March 3, 2011
March 2011 Bulletin
Our adoption agency puts out a monthly bulletin which can be equal parts good news at seeing progress in the agency and equal parts bad news at seeing the progress that isn't happening to you. We are going to choose to see other people's progress as a the good things coming out of the agency and when the time is right, our progress may be someone else's motivation to keep fighting. Also, it might help us get a good idea at how much time we will have (or not have) to prepare. As a reminder, the only states were our baby (and the babies below) will come from are OR or WA.
- A same-sex male couple were chosen with a one month notification. The mother just gave birth in February. The great news about this story is that the couple if from WI which makes Jon and I feel much better that we aren't at a total disadvantage not living on the West Coast.
- A same-sex female couple were chosen at the last minute a day after the mother had given birth on February 16th.
- A couple who were chosen with a month notification were in the room when the baby was born on February 5th.
- A couple who were chosen and the baby was born on February 9th. There was no mention of how much time they had to prepare.
- A couple who were chosen and were in the room when the baby was born on February 3rd. There was no mention of how much time they had to prepare.
February 14, 2011
(Mis)Adventures at Babies R' Us
Thankfully Jon and I weren't the only people with the "deer in the headlights" look at Babies R' Us yesterday. There were plenty of couples who looked equally as terrified, equally as overwhelmed, and had their mom's and sister's on speed dial equally as often as Jon and I.
Why would we be at Babies R' Us if we don't have a baby? Well, since statistically around upwards of 40% of the births done through our agency are done at the last minute (right before or after a mother gives birth at the hospital), we need to have an Emergency Last Minute Kit of baby items prepared. Additionally, even if we aren't chosen at the last minute and have a few months to prepare, our baby's first days out of the hospital are going to be spent in a hotel room because of Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children (ICPC). The ICPC is all the legal mumbo-jumbo that happens between the state where the baby is born and our home state essentially "clearing" us to enter MN with the baby. We legally cannot leave the state where the baby is born until this clearance happens. This could take a few days, but we have been told to prepare for up to two weeks.
So, we were given a list of exactly what we need in our emergency kit that should be packed and ready to go at anytime. That all sounds fine and dandy with one teensy weensy problem.....barely any of the stuff they ask you to pack fits quaintly inside of a suitcase.
Here is the list of things we need to have in our emergency kit:
All in all, it took us 3 hours and 15 minutes to buy this entire list. And I made four calls to my sister and one call to my mom.
Why would we be at Babies R' Us if we don't have a baby? Well, since statistically around upwards of 40% of the births done through our agency are done at the last minute (right before or after a mother gives birth at the hospital), we need to have an Emergency Last Minute Kit of baby items prepared. Additionally, even if we aren't chosen at the last minute and have a few months to prepare, our baby's first days out of the hospital are going to be spent in a hotel room because of Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children (ICPC). The ICPC is all the legal mumbo-jumbo that happens between the state where the baby is born and our home state essentially "clearing" us to enter MN with the baby. We legally cannot leave the state where the baby is born until this clearance happens. This could take a few days, but we have been told to prepare for up to two weeks.
So, we were given a list of exactly what we need in our emergency kit that should be packed and ready to go at anytime. That all sounds fine and dandy with one teensy weensy problem.....barely any of the stuff they ask you to pack fits quaintly inside of a suitcase.
Here is the list of things we need to have in our emergency kit:
- Car Seat
- Slanted Sleeper/Travel Crib
- 1 Bottle Sterilizer
- 1 Bottle Drying Rack
- 6 - 4oz. Bottles
- 6 Burping Diapers/Clothes
- 1 Package Disposable Diapers
- 1 Package Baby Wipes
- 2 Changing Pads
- 4-6 One Piece Sleepers
- 4 T-Shirt Onsies
- 4 Waffle Blankets for Swaddling
- 2 Baby Caps
- 3 Pairs of Socks
- 1 Sleep Sack
- 6 Baby Washclothes
- Baby Shampoo
- Pacifiers
All in all, it took us 3 hours and 15 minutes to buy this entire list. And I made four calls to my sister and one call to my mom.
February 10, 2011
Count Up Clock
Maybe it is a really bad idea, but I'll wait to see how badly it tortures us! I added a count up clock on the right of the screen to show how long we have been in the pool and "available" to be selected as a adoptive parents. Mainly because I am bad at math and this makes it easier to figure out, but mostly because I am just curious to see exactly how long this part of the process will take (if it takes at all).
WE'RE IN THE POOL!!!!
OMG, the moment we have been waiting for is finally here. We are OFFICIALLY in the pool of available candidates that can be selected by the birth parents!! It has been a long, tough road, but Jon and I couldn't be anymore excited for this day to arrive. In the beginning of this process, this day seem like it would never come to fruition and yet, 8 months later......here we are.
Regardless of whether we are picked or not, our lives are about to change in ways we could never imagine. Every time the phone rings, I think we will be on high alert and wonder to ourselves and as we make a made dash to our phones, "is this the call that is going to change our lives permanently?" I am not sure how any human being emotionally prepares for such a thing. I guess we are about to find out. Let's hope this doesn't end with one of us at the funny farm....ha ha!!
Any and all prays are welcome!
Regardless of whether we are picked or not, our lives are about to change in ways we could never imagine. Every time the phone rings, I think we will be on high alert and wonder to ourselves and as we make a made dash to our phones, "is this the call that is going to change our lives permanently?" I am not sure how any human being emotionally prepares for such a thing. I guess we are about to find out. Let's hope this doesn't end with one of us at the funny farm....ha ha!!
Any and all prays are welcome!
January 31, 2011
Deeeeeeeeeelays Galore!
Jon and I have decided that if either our new furniture doesn't arrive or we don't get the call with the words "you're in the pool" uttered in the next few days, we are both going to go Postal. Like you may see us on the 5 O'clock News and our neighbors will say the very predictable "they were very quiet and nice and kept to themselves. We never would have expected them to do something like that."
Seriously though, it doesn't seem fair! We have done everything we needed to do and now we have to leave the timeline in the hands of individuals who don't see us the same priority as we see ourselves. That sounds like a very selfish statement, but I don't mean it that way. As Jon reminded me, our MN Homestudy is already 33% expired and we aren't even in the pool of candidates yet. We very likely will have to have our MN Homestudy redone at a whopping $2,500 in roughly 9 months.
Anywho, our West Coast counselor who told us that she saw no reason why we shouldn't be in the pool by mid-January, has now drastically altered her statement after Jon asked for a friendly update after mid-January came and went. We were both flabbergasted to learn that she hadn't even started "finalizing" us to be entered into the pool due to her own family issues and some office reorganizations. We are now feeling lucky if we will even be in the pool by the end of February.
I hope that my next post has exponentially happier news or I may be in an orange jumpsuit and orange is definitely not my color!
Seriously though, it doesn't seem fair! We have done everything we needed to do and now we have to leave the timeline in the hands of individuals who don't see us the same priority as we see ourselves. That sounds like a very selfish statement, but I don't mean it that way. As Jon reminded me, our MN Homestudy is already 33% expired and we aren't even in the pool of candidates yet. We very likely will have to have our MN Homestudy redone at a whopping $2,500 in roughly 9 months.
Anywho, our West Coast counselor who told us that she saw no reason why we shouldn't be in the pool by mid-January, has now drastically altered her statement after Jon asked for a friendly update after mid-January came and went. We were both flabbergasted to learn that she hadn't even started "finalizing" us to be entered into the pool due to her own family issues and some office reorganizations. We are now feeling lucky if we will even be in the pool by the end of February.
I hope that my next post has exponentially happier news or I may be in an orange jumpsuit and orange is definitely not my color!
January 16, 2011
Liam Gregory Giera
I am so proud to announce the birth of my nephew Liam Gregory Giera!! He was born at 6:52 pm on January 16th, 2011. He was 7 lbs 2 ounces and was 20 inches long. Both my sister and Liam are doing great!!
We hope and pray that someday Liam will have a cousin and they will be the best of friends! And my brother-in-law is an only child so Jon and I are Liam's only hope at having a cousin!!
We hope and pray that someday Liam will have a cousin and they will be the best of friends! And my brother-in-law is an only child so Jon and I are Liam's only hope at having a cousin!!
January 11, 2011
Statistics
Some of the most common questions we receive are regarding statistics, time lines, etc. Some of the statistics are great for doing your best to "prepare," but the bad thing about statistics is that there is always an exception to the rule. For example, the average wait time for a same-sex couple is 15 months. But what really does that mean:
Regardless, here are some interesting statistics from our agency:
- Some same-sex couples get chosen on Day 1 while other couples get chosen at the 3 year mark (of waiting to be selected) which averages to 15 months.
- Or do most couples actually wait approximately 15 months?
Regardless, here are some interesting statistics from our agency:
- Avg. of 12 month wait for heterosexual couples.
- Avg. of 15 month wait for same-sex couples.
- 40 -60 children placed per year on average from a pool of around 70 "waiting" families (like us).
- 98% of children placed are newborn children.
- 7% of birth mothers change their mind after planning an adoption. This statistic is a terrifying reality that Jon and I try not to think of regularly.
December 28, 2010
Photo Collages
As mentioned in my previous post, after the birth parents narrow down their list of candidates to two or three based on the Family Introduction Letters, they receive a copy of our dossier. This dossier will be essentially be the story of our lives, our believes, our discipline methods, and every other little piece of info that was documented in this lengthy process. They will also receive the following pictures as part of our dossier. These photo collages are intended to give them a glimpse into our lives.
Family and friends, please do not be offended if you do not see yourself in our collages. These collages represent LONG hours and LATE nights of adding in pictures, taking them out, reformatting, receiving suggestion of what should stay and what should go. It is very possible that at some point you were in the collage and then possibly out again. If you do not appear in our collage, it doesn't mean that we don't love you....it means that due to the limited space, it was physically impossible to include everyone.
This is the order they would appear in our dossier. Please enjoy (click on the collage to enlarge if desired).....
Family and friends, please do not be offended if you do not see yourself in our collages. These collages represent LONG hours and LATE nights of adding in pictures, taking them out, reformatting, receiving suggestion of what should stay and what should go. It is very possible that at some point you were in the collage and then possibly out again. If you do not appear in our collage, it doesn't mean that we don't love you....it means that due to the limited space, it was physically impossible to include everyone.
This is the order they would appear in our dossier. Please enjoy (click on the collage to enlarge if desired).....
Family Introduction Letter
I have explained in the past the importance of our Family Introduction Letter. Well, it has been done for a couple of months, but we were just waiting on the mass printing of the letter and shipping to our West Coast adoption agency before we let any one read it. How much would you think 500 copies of this letter would cost? If you're like me, I bet your guess is probably no where near what it actually cost. How does $427 sound? It sounds crazy doesn't it. My knees almost buckled at Kinko's when I heard the total.
So, just as a quick recap....the Family Introduction Letter is the ONLY thing that will set Jon and I apart from the other 60-70 candidates in the pool. Normally what happens is that the birth parents will read through the Family Introduction Letters and pick out 3 that they like the best. They will then be given a dossier of basically our entire life which includes pictures (see next post).
It is from these dossiers that they will make their final decision. As you can see, the Family Introduction Letter is the single most important thing Jon and I have done in this process.
Here is our Family Introduction Letter.
So, just as a quick recap....the Family Introduction Letter is the ONLY thing that will set Jon and I apart from the other 60-70 candidates in the pool. Normally what happens is that the birth parents will read through the Family Introduction Letters and pick out 3 that they like the best. They will then be given a dossier of basically our entire life which includes pictures (see next post).
It is from these dossiers that they will make their final decision. As you can see, the Family Introduction Letter is the single most important thing Jon and I have done in this process.
Here is our Family Introduction Letter.
I'm Not Slacking....Just No Good Updates!!
Well baby, we are reaching the "light at the end of the tunnel." Unfortunately, we have been in a holding pattern for over a month and half now. We originally proposed that we would be in the pool of candidates by November 1st. Well, as you can see that date has come and gone and then some. We have been finished with EVERYTHING required of us a long time ago. We are just waiting on our MN and West Coast agencies to get on the same page, get the paperwork in order, and give us the official word.
Well, we received our final home study from our MN agency and are just waiting on the final version of our West Coast home study. We were told by our West Coast adoption agency to be prepared to be in the pool around mid-January which feels way more real than the timeline Jon and I "thought up" when we began the process so many months ago.
So, roughly three weeks and our lives are going to change in a way I cannot even describe in words. Just being constantly aware that at any minute the phone could ring and it could be THE call. I am also terribly afraid this is going to put Jon and I in a state of constant emotional panic every time the phone rings. We will have to think of ways to overcome this or it might put us in the loony bin.
Well, we received our final home study from our MN agency and are just waiting on the final version of our West Coast home study. We were told by our West Coast adoption agency to be prepared to be in the pool around mid-January which feels way more real than the timeline Jon and I "thought up" when we began the process so many months ago.
So, roughly three weeks and our lives are going to change in a way I cannot even describe in words. Just being constantly aware that at any minute the phone could ring and it could be THE call. I am also terribly afraid this is going to put Jon and I in a state of constant emotional panic every time the phone rings. We will have to think of ways to overcome this or it might put us in the loony bin.
November 4, 2010
Cutting to the Chase
In the famous words of Michael Jackson's song......"it don't matter if you're black or white" or Asian, Mexican, etc. Jon and I do not care what the race or sex of our baby is. We are asked this question most frequently and so I thought I would put the answer in writing.
We have to undergo additional adoption counseling in order to be "cleared" to be considered as parents for a baby of another race. Or to use adoption speak, a "trans-racial" baby. Actually, I had to take a 100 plus question quiz if you will about my racial viewpoints on the world. The test was very eye opening until I got to the Knowledge section which asked me to list 3 African American scientists or the first Asian Nobel Peace Prize Winner, or the first Eskimo to fly to the moon. Okay, I made up the 3rd one, but all the others were true and there were 20 or so questions like that.
My results told me what I already knew that I am fit to have a trans-racial baby, but those Knowledge questions certainly brought my score down from where I wanted it to be. I guess it is time to dust up on my race knowledge. Jon hasn't undergone the test yet, but I know he will easily cleared as well.
Though trans-racial parenting might not be for eveyrone, we just want to be parents in the worst way. We don't care what package our baby comes in, just as long as the package actually arrives.
We have to undergo additional adoption counseling in order to be "cleared" to be considered as parents for a baby of another race. Or to use adoption speak, a "trans-racial" baby. Actually, I had to take a 100 plus question quiz if you will about my racial viewpoints on the world. The test was very eye opening until I got to the Knowledge section which asked me to list 3 African American scientists or the first Asian Nobel Peace Prize Winner, or the first Eskimo to fly to the moon. Okay, I made up the 3rd one, but all the others were true and there were 20 or so questions like that.
My results told me what I already knew that I am fit to have a trans-racial baby, but those Knowledge questions certainly brought my score down from where I wanted it to be. I guess it is time to dust up on my race knowledge. Jon hasn't undergone the test yet, but I know he will easily cleared as well.
Though trans-racial parenting might not be for eveyrone, we just want to be parents in the worst way. We don't care what package our baby comes in, just as long as the package actually arrives.
Alcohol, Drugs, and Disease......Oh My!!
Jon and I accomplished one of the hardest tasks we were faced with in this entire process. Due to the amount of birth parents who have or currently are using/abusing drugs, alcohol, or tobacco, we had to fill out a screening tool which tells that agency what level of exposure we would "allow" a potential adoptive infant to be exposed to before we no longer consider ourselves fit parents.
This is an extremely difficult task considering all infants/children react differently to different substances. Secondly, it is amazingly hard to purposely exclude a child who needs a good home based on something they had no control over from the beginning. However, like everyone else in the world, we don't care the sex or race of our baby, but we ultimately would like it to be healthy.
We were asked to take a scale of drug/alcohol use and tell how far up that scale we would be willing to go (by accepting a child) before we said no. The scale was:
None - No exposure to drugs or alcohol.
Mild - Used up to 4 or 5 times throughout their pregnancy.
Moderate - Used consistently up to 4 or 5 months of pregnancy.
Severe - Used consistently more than 5 months of pregnancy.
The categories were:
This was just another hurdle in a process full of twists and turns we weren't expecting. Though we know from the bottom of our hearts that the outcome will make it ALL worthwhile.
This is an extremely difficult task considering all infants/children react differently to different substances. Secondly, it is amazingly hard to purposely exclude a child who needs a good home based on something they had no control over from the beginning. However, like everyone else in the world, we don't care the sex or race of our baby, but we ultimately would like it to be healthy.
We were asked to take a scale of drug/alcohol use and tell how far up that scale we would be willing to go (by accepting a child) before we said no. The scale was:
None - No exposure to drugs or alcohol.
Mild - Used up to 4 or 5 times throughout their pregnancy.
Moderate - Used consistently up to 4 or 5 months of pregnancy.
Severe - Used consistently more than 5 months of pregnancy.
The categories were:
- Alcohol
- Marijuana
- Cocaine
- Methamphetamines
- Prescription Drugs
- Heroin
- Tobacco
- Parents with mental health illness
- Children with "known" physical or mental abnormalities.
This was just another hurdle in a process full of twists and turns we weren't expecting. Though we know from the bottom of our hearts that the outcome will make it ALL worthwhile.
October 24, 2010
Seattle Seminar
Jon and I ultimately survived our adoption agency trip. While there, we we have two days of seminars and then one day of interviews from 9:00 - 5:00 pm. We met a lot of great people including the other 4 couples who were in the seminar with us and then the adoption counselors who will be tasked with the job of facilitating our adoption once we are chosen. We absolutely LOVED our main counselor and look forward to working with her in the future.
During our 2-day seminar, we heard real life stories from adoptive parents, birth parents who've given their children up for adoption, and a lawyer who specializes in adoption law. We got all of our questions answered in that regard. Additionally, we talked about having trans-racial babies, drug and alcohol exposure of birth parents and their children, and our own emotional health while we are captive "waiting" for the call. In the room with us were the following 4 couples:
We also received the news that based on the few "little things" we need to do and that "big things" that they need to do (type out her 500 pages of notes from our interviews), our estimated time into the pool of candidates will be 4-6 weeks from now.
During our 2-day seminar, we heard real life stories from adoptive parents, birth parents who've given their children up for adoption, and a lawyer who specializes in adoption law. We got all of our questions answered in that regard. Additionally, we talked about having trans-racial babies, drug and alcohol exposure of birth parents and their children, and our own emotional health while we are captive "waiting" for the call. In the room with us were the following 4 couples:
- The same-sex hippie male couple
- The Indian couple who already have a child but feel it is there moral obligation to adopt their second child.
- Susie Cries-a-Lot and her husband Mr. Distracted who seemed very disconnected from the whole adoption process. She literally cried the whole time.
- The young couple (our age) who had trouble conceiving and were just content listening to the rest of us interact.
- What we thought our parents did right
- What we thought our parents did wrong
- Disciplining our child
- Our daily schedule (from the moment we wake up till the moment we go to bed)
- Our relationships with our friends (are they short-term, long-term, surface relationships, etc)
- Our values and morals
- Our religious practices for our whole life
- How we met, where we met, and when we met
- What our wedding was like
- And on, and on, and on.....
We also received the news that based on the few "little things" we need to do and that "big things" that they need to do (type out her 500 pages of notes from our interviews), our estimated time into the pool of candidates will be 4-6 weeks from now.
October 19, 2010
Adoption Agency or Bust!!
Jon and I are heading to our adoption agency on the West Coast this afternoon. Wednesday and Thursday are our seminars in which our adoption agency will bring in a host of adoptive parents, birth parents, adopted children, adopted adults, lawyers, etc for us to hear their stories, fire questions at, etc. There will be a total of 6 couples in the two day seminar.
Then on Friday, we have an all day interview with our adoption counselor who will begin formatting our “Parent Profile” which is essentially a 20 – 30 page dossier (their word, not mine) of our life stories, reasons for wanting to adopt, social worker’s perception of us and our home, pictures, etc. Jon and I will also have to construct a “Dear Birthmother Letter” which is essentially the first thing the birthparents see in the dossier which is our chance to “sell” ourselves to the birthparents and why we think we are the right couple to be chosen. The “Parent Profile” is what the adoption agency will then start distributing to birth parents that are looking for an adoptive couple to take their baby. We should also find out roughly how long it will take them to put this dossier together which will tell us an approximate date of when we will be entering the pool of approved candidates ready to take a baby. All along, Jon and I have been telling ourselves roughly November 1, but we should get a much more accurate timeline on our trip. This means any day from the date we are approved, we could receive the call………or not receive the call of course if that is the way the cookie crumbles.
Then on Friday, we have an all day interview with our adoption counselor who will begin formatting our “Parent Profile” which is essentially a 20 – 30 page dossier (their word, not mine) of our life stories, reasons for wanting to adopt, social worker’s perception of us and our home, pictures, etc. Jon and I will also have to construct a “Dear Birthmother Letter” which is essentially the first thing the birthparents see in the dossier which is our chance to “sell” ourselves to the birthparents and why we think we are the right couple to be chosen. The “Parent Profile” is what the adoption agency will then start distributing to birth parents that are looking for an adoptive couple to take their baby. We should also find out roughly how long it will take them to put this dossier together which will tell us an approximate date of when we will be entering the pool of approved candidates ready to take a baby. All along, Jon and I have been telling ourselves roughly November 1, but we should get a much more accurate timeline on our trip. This means any day from the date we are approved, we could receive the call………or not receive the call of course if that is the way the cookie crumbles.
October 8, 2010
Witty Retorts
Our Home Study Social Worker was telling us horror stories about her own personal experiences and the experiences of others when it comes to stranger's tendencies to put their foots in their mouths regarding adoption. It was incredible and appalling to hear some of the stories she would tell. But one in particular had Jon and I crying from laughter. And it just has to be shared.
Our Social Worker told us to be prepared for incredibly invasive questions from strangers such as:
Woman in Checkout Line: Where did you get those kids from?
Mom: I found them in aisle 7 in the frozen food section.
Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!! We need to remember that one!
I really don't understand what motivates human beings to be so ugly or to think it is their right to ask such questions. Don't get me wrong.....it isn't that such questions can't be asked. However, there is a tactful and far less intrusive way of asking. And mostly, those questions should be reserved for people who are not complete strangers. Just because my child is adopted, what makes some stranger think they are privy to my child's back story?
Our Social Worker told us to be prepared for incredibly invasive questions from strangers such as:
- Whose kid is that?
- Where did you get that kid from?
- Is that kid adopted?
- Do you know where his/her real parents are? (This one infuriates me!)
Woman in Checkout Line: Where did you get those kids from?
Mom: I found them in aisle 7 in the frozen food section.
Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!! We need to remember that one!
I really don't understand what motivates human beings to be so ugly or to think it is their right to ask such questions. Don't get me wrong.....it isn't that such questions can't be asked. However, there is a tactful and far less intrusive way of asking. And mostly, those questions should be reserved for people who are not complete strangers. Just because my child is adopted, what makes some stranger think they are privy to my child's back story?
Home Study Visits - One & Two
Well, we survived our Home Studies.....both of them. The process was significantly easier and less stressful than either of us imagined. Tuesday night while both Jon and I were on our knees peeking out our bedroom waiting for her to pull in the driveway, we were hot, sweaty, emotionally unstable messes. And now looking back, that behavior seems incredibly ridiculous considering how easy the process really was. I am not going to say this is how it is for everyone, but it was for us.
Day One- Tuesday, October 5th
She came over to our house, we showed her around, and she gave us literally zero feedback as to whether she found our house suitable or not for a child. We know our house is suitable, but there are some dangers mainly including a set of stairs on every level of our house. I mean we know how we will circumvent this, but we still expected her to ask us how it would be done.
We then sat down at the table and she asked us zero questions about ourselves and proceeded to talk and talk and talk for the next two hours. Don't get me wrong, almost everything she said was valuable and aimed at exposing us to all of the possibilities we might face based on the age and race of our child to dealing with the age, race, mental and physical condition of the birth mother. She also talked about the perceptions of the rest of the world on adoption.
She told us very detailed stories about her three children - all who are adopted. She then told a few pro-gay antidotes which let Jon and I know she was most definitely on our side and then as fast as she came into our house, she was gone. She said the appointment would be two hours and I literally believe she walked out the door at the 1 hour, 59 minute, 59 second mark.
Oh yea and I have to mention that our dogs behaved like little angels!
Day Two - Thursday, October 7th
This was supposed to be our interview portion and last for two hours. She asked us some general questions regarding our intentions for discipline, religion, decision-making processes, etc. Jon and I answered those questions thoughtfully and purposefully. And after about 20 minutes or so, the questions ended and the talking began......again. For the next hour and forty minutes, Jon and I just listened to her talk. And again, this was not a bad thing. She has such valuable information to give and this time was aimed at being honest about adoption with our child and not hiding anything about the process from them (I think we have a good head start with this blog). She talked about the emotional process that almost all adopted children will go through in their life. And then, she asked if we had any questions. We asked one or two questions and then she said "oh, in case I forgot to tell you, you are approved!!" She told us our home study write-up would be done in about 2-3 weeks (right in time for our visit to the adoption agency).
This is a HUGE milestone for Jon and I and puts us literally within a month or two of being in the pool of candidates to receive a baby!! It suddenly made this process feel all the more real.
Day One- Tuesday, October 5th
She came over to our house, we showed her around, and she gave us literally zero feedback as to whether she found our house suitable or not for a child. We know our house is suitable, but there are some dangers mainly including a set of stairs on every level of our house. I mean we know how we will circumvent this, but we still expected her to ask us how it would be done.
We then sat down at the table and she asked us zero questions about ourselves and proceeded to talk and talk and talk for the next two hours. Don't get me wrong, almost everything she said was valuable and aimed at exposing us to all of the possibilities we might face based on the age and race of our child to dealing with the age, race, mental and physical condition of the birth mother. She also talked about the perceptions of the rest of the world on adoption.
She told us very detailed stories about her three children - all who are adopted. She then told a few pro-gay antidotes which let Jon and I know she was most definitely on our side and then as fast as she came into our house, she was gone. She said the appointment would be two hours and I literally believe she walked out the door at the 1 hour, 59 minute, 59 second mark.
Oh yea and I have to mention that our dogs behaved like little angels!
Day Two - Thursday, October 7th
This was supposed to be our interview portion and last for two hours. She asked us some general questions regarding our intentions for discipline, religion, decision-making processes, etc. Jon and I answered those questions thoughtfully and purposefully. And after about 20 minutes or so, the questions ended and the talking began......again. For the next hour and forty minutes, Jon and I just listened to her talk. And again, this was not a bad thing. She has such valuable information to give and this time was aimed at being honest about adoption with our child and not hiding anything about the process from them (I think we have a good head start with this blog). She talked about the emotional process that almost all adopted children will go through in their life. And then, she asked if we had any questions. We asked one or two questions and then she said "oh, in case I forgot to tell you, you are approved!!" She told us our home study write-up would be done in about 2-3 weeks (right in time for our visit to the adoption agency).
This is a HUGE milestone for Jon and I and puts us literally within a month or two of being in the pool of candidates to receive a baby!! It suddenly made this process feel all the more real.
October 4, 2010
What's In a Name?
Well, I hate to break it to you kiddo, but in case you didn't notice, you have two dads. And this presents one huge problem when it comes to typical naming conventions.
If I was a woman (no comments from the peanut gallery) and I married your father, my name would be Keith Adam McMaken. Simple enough right? Well, minus my occasional PMS related-meltdowns (I have had women tell me that so it isn't meant offensively), I can assure you I am not a woman. Therefore, I kept my name and your father kept his name when we married. So what should your last name be?
From what we have read, we couldn't simply name you just one of our last names because then in the event the other parent is traveling with you (or we are in another situation where identification is required), we will constantly look like we are trying to abduct you and be subject to a barrage of questioning. Additionally, doesn't giving you just one of our last names imply a different level of commitment or lay claim to you as one person's child over the other? Though we will know this isn't the case, do we really need to make ourselves stand out more?
However, hyphenating our name seems to add a level of complexity to your life that we don't know is too great either:
Anybody have any suggestions/preferences they could offer? We wold be glad to hear from anybody!!
If I was a woman (no comments from the peanut gallery) and I married your father, my name would be Keith Adam McMaken. Simple enough right? Well, minus my occasional PMS related-meltdowns (I have had women tell me that so it isn't meant offensively), I can assure you I am not a woman. Therefore, I kept my name and your father kept his name when we married. So what should your last name be?
From what we have read, we couldn't simply name you just one of our last names because then in the event the other parent is traveling with you (or we are in another situation where identification is required), we will constantly look like we are trying to abduct you and be subject to a barrage of questioning. Additionally, doesn't giving you just one of our last names imply a different level of commitment or lay claim to you as one person's child over the other? Though we will know this isn't the case, do we really need to make ourselves stand out more?
However, hyphenating our name seems to add a level of complexity to your life that we don't know is too great either:
- I am annoyed with the length of my own last name and mine is only 7 letters long! Burgess-McMaken is 15 letters long....that is over half of the length of the Alphabet. With the amount of times you have to sign your name in life, this just seems like cruel and unusual punishment!! (Unless you sign your name like your father, Aunt Kelly, or Grandpa Burgess who both just sign a squiggly line for their last names).
- How the hell are they going to get Burgess-McMaken written on the back of a football jersey or the back of a letter jacket or any other thing like that?
- When people ask you why your last name is hyphenated (which they inevitably will), we don't want you to have to constantly "out" yourself as having two dads. Life can be cruel enough without that added pressure.
Anybody have any suggestions/preferences they could offer? We wold be glad to hear from anybody!!
Home Study Time
We officially have it marked on our calendar even though we keep imagining it isn't really going to happen. We have our Home Study on Tuesday, October 2nd from 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm and another on Thursday, October 4th (time TBD).
We wouldn't normally be scared but Jon and I tend to feed off one another when it comes to these type of things. And we did what anybody in the world with any common sense would tell you not to do....we consulted the Internet. It is like when you have a big, hairy wart in a peculiar place on your body (I am not talking about me, I am talking about this friend of mine of course) and while it is just that.....a big, hairy wart in a peculiar place on your body, the Internet has a way to tell you that wart is incurable cancer. Well, according to the Internet, our home is cancerous.
Jon and I can field any questions about our desire to adopt, relationship, our pasts, our family, friends, etc., but we can't control the things we can't control. And one of the things we can't control is our dogs. And while 99% of the time our dogs act like normally, happy dogs.....1% of the time they act possessive and aggressive with strangers. Let me clarify that our dogs have NEVER bitten or attacked anyone. I can say with the utmost confidence that we know they would never bite anyone and have seen them both be extraordinarily gentle with children (our nephew Cody rides Rossi around like a horse). However, if you get one person who misjudges a bark or a growl for something more than it really is, it could spell big trouble for us.
We have been fastidiously working with our dogs on jumping, barking, etc., but mainly on remaining calm. They are actually doing quite well, but that is because it has only been Jon and I. Add a stranger into the mix and Lord only knows what will happen.
Pray for us if you will.....we only need to get past 2, two-hour sessions with the Social Worker without incident and we are heading towards the finish line.......err.....the finish line of this part of the process.
We wouldn't normally be scared but Jon and I tend to feed off one another when it comes to these type of things. And we did what anybody in the world with any common sense would tell you not to do....we consulted the Internet. It is like when you have a big, hairy wart in a peculiar place on your body (I am not talking about me, I am talking about this friend of mine of course) and while it is just that.....a big, hairy wart in a peculiar place on your body, the Internet has a way to tell you that wart is incurable cancer. Well, according to the Internet, our home is cancerous.
Jon and I can field any questions about our desire to adopt, relationship, our pasts, our family, friends, etc., but we can't control the things we can't control. And one of the things we can't control is our dogs. And while 99% of the time our dogs act like normally, happy dogs.....1% of the time they act possessive and aggressive with strangers. Let me clarify that our dogs have NEVER bitten or attacked anyone. I can say with the utmost confidence that we know they would never bite anyone and have seen them both be extraordinarily gentle with children (our nephew Cody rides Rossi around like a horse). However, if you get one person who misjudges a bark or a growl for something more than it really is, it could spell big trouble for us.
We have been fastidiously working with our dogs on jumping, barking, etc., but mainly on remaining calm. They are actually doing quite well, but that is because it has only been Jon and I. Add a stranger into the mix and Lord only knows what will happen.
Pray for us if you will.....we only need to get past 2, two-hour sessions with the Social Worker without incident and we are heading towards the finish line.......err.....the finish line of this part of the process.
September 16, 2010
It's All About Small Victories!
Jon and I have sent off our application packets to both the home study agency and the adoption agency. What a huge relief and a small victory in the daunting process. Both agencies made the drastic point that we must copy all forms, documents, and backup info (copies of birth certificates, fingerprint cards, etc.) prior to sending off our application packets.
Jon and I did just that and were both very curious exactly how many pieces of paper we had accumulated during this process. Well, thankfully after an hour at a Kinko's copy machine, we were given the grand total. 128 pages. That's right, I said it.....128 pages. I think we both estimated on the low side. Now we understand why they say it takes most couples six months to gather all of that paperwork. But, what they didn't know is that Jon and I aren't a typical couple. We are both "Project Terminators" who thrive on finishing things as fast as humanly process. We estimate it took us just over a month and a half.
What comes next? The social worker will be coming to our house soon (as of yet unscheduled) and doing our home study. And our trip to our adoption agency is fast approaching (third week of Oct) for our seminar, In-Take Interview, and home study. Yep, that's right! Being out of state folks gives us the distinct privilege of going through TWO home study interviews and paying for them both.
Jon and I did just that and were both very curious exactly how many pieces of paper we had accumulated during this process. Well, thankfully after an hour at a Kinko's copy machine, we were given the grand total. 128 pages. That's right, I said it.....128 pages. I think we both estimated on the low side. Now we understand why they say it takes most couples six months to gather all of that paperwork. But, what they didn't know is that Jon and I aren't a typical couple. We are both "Project Terminators" who thrive on finishing things as fast as humanly process. We estimate it took us just over a month and a half.
What comes next? The social worker will be coming to our house soon (as of yet unscheduled) and doing our home study. And our trip to our adoption agency is fast approaching (third week of Oct) for our seminar, In-Take Interview, and home study. Yep, that's right! Being out of state folks gives us the distinct privilege of going through TWO home study interviews and paying for them both.
August 31, 2010
Turn to the Left and Cough.....
Doc, you're hands are freezing! Can you please help a brother out by warming those bad boys up before you tell me to "drop my drawers" and go in for the exam......down there! In addition to the physical, I was grilled on everything from my bowel health to giving myself testicular exams. Ugh, I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. The worst part of this application process is over if you ask me.
I had a 10:00 am physical and was told I needed to fast for 12 hours prior to the physical. Considering I wake up at 4:15 am every weekday morning, I knew waiting until after my 10:00 am physical was done would be a make me one cranky bastard! And boy was I right!! I was in a state of dizzy delirium by the time the appointment was over at 10:45. And in addition to fasting, I couldn't even eat gum. I was rocking some serious hungry/bad breath in that tiny doctor's office. Both the nurse and doctor wanted to have in-depth conversations face-to-face with me and I wonder if they could smell it. I wanted to die!
I got a tetnus shot, had my cholesterol checked, and then was tested for a wheat allergy. I have been given a clean bill of health and according to my doctor, fit to be a parent. Let's hope some birth mother feels the same. Jon was given a clean bill of health too. One part of the application down.....598 to go!
I had a 10:00 am physical and was told I needed to fast for 12 hours prior to the physical. Considering I wake up at 4:15 am every weekday morning, I knew waiting until after my 10:00 am physical was done would be a make me one cranky bastard! And boy was I right!! I was in a state of dizzy delirium by the time the appointment was over at 10:45. And in addition to fasting, I couldn't even eat gum. I was rocking some serious hungry/bad breath in that tiny doctor's office. Both the nurse and doctor wanted to have in-depth conversations face-to-face with me and I wonder if they could smell it. I wanted to die!
I got a tetnus shot, had my cholesterol checked, and then was tested for a wheat allergy. I have been given a clean bill of health and according to my doctor, fit to be a parent. Let's hope some birth mother feels the same. Jon was given a clean bill of health too. One part of the application down.....598 to go!
August 25, 2010
Here a Form, There a Form, Everywhere a Form, Form!!
Oh my God! How many times can two individuals fill out their address or sign their names? Jon said that if we open our own adoption agency someday, we should figure out a way to auto-populate repeat information onto multiple forms (name, address, phone number, etc.). I think he may be on to something here!
Jon and I have been deluged in forms from both our adoption agency and our home study agency. Our kitchen table, which comfortably seats 6, now uncomfortably seats stacks and stacks of folders, forms, and miscellaneous papers. If I think about it long enough, I feel completely and utterly overwhelmed and unprepared. But then I let "Organizational Keith" step in and come to the rescue. Even though Jon rarely enjoys seeing "Organizational Keith" because it usually indicates he will be asked to help reorganize a closet, help alphabetize our spices, or help clean our cleaning supplies, I think even he was happy to see "Organizational Keith." We needed someone to make order out of all of the paperwork chaos! Thank God for sticky notes and paperclips. And thank God that while I can organize like a son of a gun, Jon is better at translating what some of the questions actually mean versus what I think they mean. We make a great team in that regard!
I would roughly estimate we have 75 pages of forms and paperwork to fill out and gather. Some self-explanatory, but also some things I never imagined we would need:
We continue to plug away and hope to be finished with our forms packets for both agencies by the end of August.
It is always good to have a goal I guess.....
Jon and I have been deluged in forms from both our adoption agency and our home study agency. Our kitchen table, which comfortably seats 6, now uncomfortably seats stacks and stacks of folders, forms, and miscellaneous papers. If I think about it long enough, I feel completely and utterly overwhelmed and unprepared. But then I let "Organizational Keith" step in and come to the rescue. Even though Jon rarely enjoys seeing "Organizational Keith" because it usually indicates he will be asked to help reorganize a closet, help alphabetize our spices, or help clean our cleaning supplies, I think even he was happy to see "Organizational Keith." We needed someone to make order out of all of the paperwork chaos! Thank God for sticky notes and paperclips. And thank God that while I can organize like a son of a gun, Jon is better at translating what some of the questions actually mean versus what I think they mean. We make a great team in that regard!
I would roughly estimate we have 75 pages of forms and paperwork to fill out and gather. Some self-explanatory, but also some things I never imagined we would need:
- Autobiographies
- Doctor's Physical & Clearance
- Police Clearance
- Fingerprint Samples
- Family Disaster Plan (in case our house catches fire, gets picked up in a tornado, etc.)
- In-Depth House/Neighborhood/Family Description Forms
- Criminal and Credit Background Checks
- 8 Reference letters (5 for one agency, 3 for the other)
- A Budget (on each agency's individual forms)
- Applications/Intake Forms
- Policies/Practices/Procedure Documents
- On and on and on and on and on.........
We continue to plug away and hope to be finished with our forms packets for both agencies by the end of August.
It is always good to have a goal I guess.....
August 16, 2010
Autobiographies
As part of our application process for the agency, Jon and I are required to write our autobiographies. This task seemed easy enough until they tell you that you cannot exceed four pages and that you have to hit several of the following talking points:
• Your year of birth
• Your childhood and upbringing, including family dynamics
• Your education and career path
• Your special skills, interests, or passions
• Any chronic or serious health issues
• Your faith, religion, and/or values
• Your greatest satisfactions and disappointments
• Marriages, significant relationships, children
• The people, events, or ideas that have had the biggest impact on your life (good and bad)
• Your year of birth
• Your childhood and upbringing, including family dynamics
• Your education and career path
• Your special skills, interests, or passions
• Any chronic or serious health issues
• Your faith, religion, and/or values
• Your greatest satisfactions and disappointments
• Marriages, significant relationships, children
• The people, events, or ideas that have had the biggest impact on your life (good and bad)
Since these autobiographies will be one of the first things that a potential birth parent will read to learn more about you when they are making the life changing decision of who should have their baby, it was both challenging and terrifying to sum up your life in two to four pages. Jon and I wanted to ensure that our lives did not come off smelling like roses (as nobody's has or actually does) though we don't want to overemphasize the bad stuff either and look miserable with life (not that we are, except maybe at really hard times).
Here is the summarized versions (click on the links and they take a few second to open) of our lives up to the point that we are moving forward with an adoption:
Here is the summarized versions (click on the links and they take a few second to open) of our lives up to the point that we are moving forward with an adoption:
August 15, 2010
Home Study or "How Jon, Keith, and Their House Will Not Purposely Harm a Child"
As part of the adoption process, Jon and I have to complete a home study. According to Wikipedia.org, a home study is "a screening of the home and life of prospective adoptive parents prior to allowing an adoption to take place."
What does this mean for Jon and I? That a social worker will come into our home between one and three times to make sure our house is not a giant death trap. Additionally, in many cases they will come back for subsequent visits to interview Jon and I together and separately regarding our lives, our ambitions, our desires for having a child, and our plan for the child's immediate and long term future.
Here is where the complicated part comes in. Since there is no law the explicitly states that adoption for same-sex couples is legal or illegal in MN, we have to be very careful how we approach the home study. Ultimately, the home study company in MN will write up our home study report and send it to our adoption agency on the west coast which is what will be used to make sure our home is not a portal into the fiery pits of Hell and "clear" us for entering the pool of candidates to be chosen by a birth parent. From our understanding up till now, we have two options (which I am abbreviating in an extreme fashion below):
What does this mean for Jon and I? That a social worker will come into our home between one and three times to make sure our house is not a giant death trap. Additionally, in many cases they will come back for subsequent visits to interview Jon and I together and separately regarding our lives, our ambitions, our desires for having a child, and our plan for the child's immediate and long term future.
Here is where the complicated part comes in. Since there is no law the explicitly states that adoption for same-sex couples is legal or illegal in MN, we have to be very careful how we approach the home study. Ultimately, the home study company in MN will write up our home study report and send it to our adoption agency on the west coast which is what will be used to make sure our home is not a portal into the fiery pits of Hell and "clear" us for entering the pool of candidates to be chosen by a birth parent. From our understanding up till now, we have two options (which I am abbreviating in an extreme fashion below):
- Find a home study agency in MN that will write the home study report listing us both as "Prospective Adoptive Fathers." This way, when we work with our west coast adoption agency, the laws of those states (which are far more liberal than MN) will allow Jon and I both to be listed on the birth certificate as the father and we will not have to do any legal tightrope walking in MN. Seems easy enough, right? Well, the problem is that most adoption agencies or home study agencies have an emphasis on religion. Most come with awesome names like ABC Christian Services, Catholic Charities of MN, Lutheran Social Services, etc. Out of about 48 agencies we found in MN, only three responded yes, they may perform a service like this.
- If #1 doesn't pan out and a home study agency is only willing to write one of us up as the prospective adoptive father, then only one of us can legally adopt the child. We would then have to come back to MN, wait a certain amount of time and then go before a circuit court judge who would make the decision as to whether the second parent should be legally added on or not. What if the judge is Conservative? What is the judge is anti-gay? What if the judge has a Long Island Ice Tea hangover? What if the judge has diarrhea and wants to make a quick decision to get to the nearest bathroom? Ugh, we do not want to go this route.
August 5, 2010
Bummer Dude!
Looks like the September seminar filled up (as our contact was out of the office yesterday when we accepted) and so we have to wait until about the third week of October. Boo hiss!
August 3, 2010
Agency Number Two - The Call
Well, we expected to have a little bit more emotional control on call #2, but alas, this did not happen! Okay, maybe I shouldn't say "we" as much as "I" because Jon was able to scarf down a packet of peanut butter crackers 2 seconds before the call. I think he was trying to play it cool though. Me, I was shuttering like a leave and it felt like someone was shooting fireworks off inside my body. So, how did it go?
AMAZING. AWESOME. PERFECTLY
Agency Two made our decision VERY easy. There were so many advantages to this agency, but the main positive point was that our guts told us this agency was right. The Client Manager was a wonderful woman who answered so many of our questions and went above and beyond the call of duty in regards to the information she gave us. Unlike the Agency One, she looked up if any birth mothers from their agency had selected a same-sex couple in the state of MN before. And guess what, there had been two!! And the people lived only a few miles from us. She passed on our contact information to them and we are hoping they contact us so we can hear about their journey and take any pointers from them.
The ONLY unfortunate thing about this agency is that they only take birth mothers from two west coast states, whereas Agency One took birth mothers from any U.S. state. This significantly reduces our exposure as Agency One places about 200 children a year, whereas Agency Two only places about 40 to 60 children a year. However, Jon and I do truly believe a few things:
AMAZING. AWESOME. PERFECTLY
Agency Two made our decision VERY easy. There were so many advantages to this agency, but the main positive point was that our guts told us this agency was right. The Client Manager was a wonderful woman who answered so many of our questions and went above and beyond the call of duty in regards to the information she gave us. Unlike the Agency One, she looked up if any birth mothers from their agency had selected a same-sex couple in the state of MN before. And guess what, there had been two!! And the people lived only a few miles from us. She passed on our contact information to them and we are hoping they contact us so we can hear about their journey and take any pointers from them.
The ONLY unfortunate thing about this agency is that they only take birth mothers from two west coast states, whereas Agency One took birth mothers from any U.S. state. This significantly reduces our exposure as Agency One places about 200 children a year, whereas Agency Two only places about 40 to 60 children a year. However, Jon and I do truly believe a few things:
- Quality over quantity. You cannot replace a feeling in your gut that one Agency is a better fit for you than another.
- It is all part of a master plan. We chose the agency that we felt was right for us and if we don't get a baby as a result, we won't regret it. At least we can say we tried it the right way.
- The pool of available adoptive parents is going to be smaller with a smaller agency.
This agency is located on the West Coast and our next step is an adoption seminar that takes place over two days in September where we get all of our questions answered. They bring in lawyers, parents who have adopted children from their agency, birth mothers who have given their children up for adoption, etc. We also will have to officially interview to be accepted into the agency. Our calls to these agencies were our chance to interview them, but now the tables get turned.
Time to make some travel plans, start ramping up on our reading, and preparing ourselves to answer the most difficult questions of all.......how is that for a cliffhanger?
July 29, 2010
Agency Number One - The Call
We just had our first call with our first adoption agency. Because this is a public medium (the blog), I am going to refrain from stating agency names. Know this though, we are only looking at agencies that are approved by the Human Rights Campaign. And of all the ones they approve, we narrowed our choice down to two. Neither of these agencies are located in MN.
Due to the limited appointment times, Jon and I had to take an appointment in the middle of the work day. This meant we both had to call from our jobs and couldn't even be in the same room. Thank God for our iPhones which allowed us to easily conference call the agency.
Imagine if you will, those first terrifying seconds as you load into a huge roller coaster, snap your seat belt, and then begin the slow, torturous ascent to the top of the first hill. Clink, clink, clink goes the chain below your seat as it hoists you to the top. And right when you reach the top and get ready to go over the top of the hill.....pick up the phone and try to have a conversation about adoption. That is the best way I can describe our emotion the one minute prior to the call.
Overall, the agency answered many of our questions, raised a whole slew of new questions, and left one huge dangling question unanswered: Have you ever placed a child for adoption in MN with a gay couple?
This is a HUGE issue for Jon and I. We don't want to invest our time or money into an agency that has not successfully placed a child in MN with a gay couple before. There are far too many other obstacles facing this adoption to add that into the mix.
We did learn one other thing that we did not know. Well, we knew it existed in international adoptions, but certainly not in domestic, open adoptions. ICPC (or Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children) holds you in the state where the birth mother gave birth until they have cut through all the red tape with MN. This process can be fast or we were told to be prepared to stay in the state where the birth mother gave birth for as long as two weeks. Thankfully, UT and MS are out because they won't give babies to gay couples. Please God, can we avoid a state where two men and a baby won't be the weirdest thing people have seen in 20 years.....you know, like a Montana? Well, beggars can be choosers I guess. I would be a happy to go anywhere as long as we get a baby.
Agency Number Two will be contacted on August 3rd at 5:30 pm.
Due to the limited appointment times, Jon and I had to take an appointment in the middle of the work day. This meant we both had to call from our jobs and couldn't even be in the same room. Thank God for our iPhones which allowed us to easily conference call the agency.
Imagine if you will, those first terrifying seconds as you load into a huge roller coaster, snap your seat belt, and then begin the slow, torturous ascent to the top of the first hill. Clink, clink, clink goes the chain below your seat as it hoists you to the top. And right when you reach the top and get ready to go over the top of the hill.....pick up the phone and try to have a conversation about adoption. That is the best way I can describe our emotion the one minute prior to the call.
Overall, the agency answered many of our questions, raised a whole slew of new questions, and left one huge dangling question unanswered: Have you ever placed a child for adoption in MN with a gay couple?
This is a HUGE issue for Jon and I. We don't want to invest our time or money into an agency that has not successfully placed a child in MN with a gay couple before. There are far too many other obstacles facing this adoption to add that into the mix.
We did learn one other thing that we did not know. Well, we knew it existed in international adoptions, but certainly not in domestic, open adoptions. ICPC (or Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children) holds you in the state where the birth mother gave birth until they have cut through all the red tape with MN. This process can be fast or we were told to be prepared to stay in the state where the birth mother gave birth for as long as two weeks. Thankfully, UT and MS are out because they won't give babies to gay couples. Please God, can we avoid a state where two men and a baby won't be the weirdest thing people have seen in 20 years.....you know, like a Montana? Well, beggars can be choosers I guess. I would be a happy to go anywhere as long as we get a baby.
Agency Number Two will be contacted on August 3rd at 5:30 pm.
July 25, 2010
Book One - The Kid
I just finished a non-fictional book called The Kid: What Happened When My Boyfriend and I Decided to Get Pregnant. It is about two men who choose open adoption; the book allows you to be a fly on the wall during the whole process from beginning to end.
Brutally honest (brutally!), sweet, and freakin' hilarious! A must read for any gay couple pursuing an open adoption.
Just ordered books two and three, but they haven't arrived yet.
Brutally honest (brutally!), sweet, and freakin' hilarious! A must read for any gay couple pursuing an open adoption.
Just ordered books two and three, but they haven't arrived yet.
July 20, 2010
Why We Want to Be Parents and Why We'd Be Good Parents?
It is like writing a resume; we knew our qualifications, but how do you get them into a short, succinct bullet point. We didn't need to convince ourselves, but would we be able to call up these reasons "under the gun" if we didn't write them down?
We were preparing for our first call to an Adoption Agency. We have been doing tons and tons of research on the web. We put our contact information on one website who immediately called and wanted to setup an hour long phone call.
Panic. Fear. Terror.
What would they ask? What should we be prepared to do or not do? We figured the phone call opener was going to be either:
We were preparing for our first call to an Adoption Agency. We have been doing tons and tons of research on the web. We put our contact information on one website who immediately called and wanted to setup an hour long phone call.
Panic. Fear. Terror.
What would they ask? What should we be prepared to do or not do? We figured the phone call opener was going to be either:
- Why Do You Want to Be Parents?
- Why Would You Be a Good Parent?
So I did what I do best.....made a list......and Jon and I started thoughtfully thinking of reasons. It is with some embarrassment that I share this list with you, but we also want our baby to know how deeply we thought about these questions and what qualifications we used to determine our ability to parent:
Why Do You Want to Be Parents?
- Both have a desire to share with a child all the wonderful things the world can offer
- Both have the desire to be a part of something bigger than ourselves.
- Experience as a couple, doing one of the most important things you can do in life (have a child).
- To play an active part in guiding and nurturing another human being to their potential.
- Would love to pass on our life lessons to a future generation. Our child will see that a more peaceful, loving world starts through parents who teach their children these values.
- From early on, we both agreed that life is never measured by material things (jobs/money), but instead measured by the relationships you have and create. We believe we could create a meaningful relationship with our child.
Why Would You Be Good Parents?
- We both have lived a life where we have learned the meaning of “unconditional love” and know we could provide that for our child.
- REPEAT ALERT - From early on, we both agreed that life is never measured by material things (jobs/money), but instead measured by the relationships you have and create. We believe we could create a meaningful relationship with our child.
- Both have friends and family who are supportive of our decisions and would be actively involved in our child’s life.
- We have the means to provide a child with a stable, loving environment.
- We have first hand experience with showing a child how important it is to be who you are and allow them express themselves in the healthiest way possible.
July 16, 2010
Time - A Gay Man's Worst Enemy
They say that you get your "Gay Card" taken away once you hit 30. Apparently the bar lights don't bounce quite as well off of a face full of wrinkles, crows feet, and years of fake tanning abuse. Thankfully, Jon and I don't frequent gay bars, but time was not on our side for a different reason.
Intermingled with all of our talks and question answering, Jon and I both talked about our time lines. This is another way of saying, what would our cutoff age be before we gave up trying to adopt a child? Jon's timeline was more forgiving than mine. Call it ageism, but I wanted to forgo the embarrassment of being the geriatric man who has to be wheeled to his son or daughter's college graduation.
Jon is currently 33 years, 1 month, and 26 days old. He would adopt a newborn baby until he was 42. Let's see where that puts him in the timeline of our baby if we don't adopt until he is 42:
Jon's Age When the Baby Graduates High School: 60
Jon's Age When the Baby Graduates College: 65
Jon's Age When the Baby Marries: 70
Jon's Age When the Baby Has Babies: 72
I am a young 31 years, 4 months, and 26 days old. I only want to adopt a baby up until I am 35. Let's see where that puts me in the timeline of our baby if we don't adopt until I am 35:
My Age When the Baby Graduates High School: 53
My Age When the Baby Graduates College: 58
My Age When the Baby Marries: 63
My Age When the Baby Has Babies: 65
There is a 7 year difference between my age and Jon's age. 7 years is a long time....ask a dog, that is one human year in their life. That is why we both agreed to start now, when we are still young and don't feel pressured to meet our timelines. This way feels more natural, more organic.
There is one thing we do agree on with time lines, once the adoption process starts (from our very first call to an agency), we are looking at about a 3 year window before we stop pursuing. There is only so much rejection a person can take before they have to move on.
Intermingled with all of our talks and question answering, Jon and I both talked about our time lines. This is another way of saying, what would our cutoff age be before we gave up trying to adopt a child? Jon's timeline was more forgiving than mine. Call it ageism, but I wanted to forgo the embarrassment of being the geriatric man who has to be wheeled to his son or daughter's college graduation.
Jon is currently 33 years, 1 month, and 26 days old. He would adopt a newborn baby until he was 42. Let's see where that puts him in the timeline of our baby if we don't adopt until he is 42:
Jon's Age When the Baby Graduates High School: 60
Jon's Age When the Baby Graduates College: 65
Jon's Age When the Baby Marries: 70
Jon's Age When the Baby Has Babies: 72
I am a young 31 years, 4 months, and 26 days old. I only want to adopt a baby up until I am 35. Let's see where that puts me in the timeline of our baby if we don't adopt until I am 35:
My Age When the Baby Graduates High School: 53
My Age When the Baby Graduates College: 58
My Age When the Baby Marries: 63
My Age When the Baby Has Babies: 65
There is a 7 year difference between my age and Jon's age. 7 years is a long time....ask a dog, that is one human year in their life. That is why we both agreed to start now, when we are still young and don't feel pressured to meet our timelines. This way feels more natural, more organic.
There is one thing we do agree on with time lines, once the adoption process starts (from our very first call to an agency), we are looking at about a 3 year window before we stop pursuing. There is only so much rejection a person can take before they have to move on.
July 6, 2010
Open Adoption - What Is It and Why Would We Choose It?
According to Wikipidia.org, "open adoption means that the birth mother and adopted family know who each other are. Even in an open adoption, the birth parents' legal rights of guardianship are terminated, and the adoptive parents become the legal parents."
What this means is that a birth mother (and possibly birth father) will be solely responsible for deciding who their baby goes to. Meaning, as long as each couple or single passes the agency's strict requirements and make it into the pool of viable candidates, they could be selected by the birth parents. Most agencies don't let the birth mother select until she is 6 or 7 months pregnant, but it is possible that they don't decide to give the baby up for adoption until after they have given birth.
I imagine an after birth call going like this:
Agency: "Hello Keith and Jon, a birth mother selected you in TX. She just gave birth and you can come pick the baby up if you would like."
Jon: (silence)
Keith: (chokes on mouthful of Green Beans he is eating for dinner)
Jon: (Begins Heimlich Maneuver)
This isn't as uncommon as you would think. Still, the choice is up to the birth parents.
Some people might think this creates huge complications for us and the baby. But if you think about it, I mean really think about it, it is what is best for the baby for a couple of reasons:
What this means is that a birth mother (and possibly birth father) will be solely responsible for deciding who their baby goes to. Meaning, as long as each couple or single passes the agency's strict requirements and make it into the pool of viable candidates, they could be selected by the birth parents. Most agencies don't let the birth mother select until she is 6 or 7 months pregnant, but it is possible that they don't decide to give the baby up for adoption until after they have given birth.
I imagine an after birth call going like this:
Agency: "Hello Keith and Jon, a birth mother selected you in TX. She just gave birth and you can come pick the baby up if you would like."
Jon: (silence)
Keith: (chokes on mouthful of Green Beans he is eating for dinner)
Jon: (Begins Heimlich Maneuver)
This isn't as uncommon as you would think. Still, the choice is up to the birth parents.
Some people might think this creates huge complications for us and the baby. But if you think about it, I mean really think about it, it is what is best for the baby for a couple of reasons:
- We get 100% custody of the baby.
- We make an agreement for the amount of visitations and contact the child and birth parents will have. Both parties have to agree. This normally involves 2-4 visits a year and pictures twice a year (or so).
- The baby never questions where they came from. There is no soul searching journey to find their birth parents who may have intentionally tried to avoid them by doing a closed, State adoption.
- If the baby questions their birth parent's love, we can explain the inevitable horror of having to remove the birth mother's baby from her arms and how her heart looked as if it had broken into 5 million pieces.
- We will know what kind of /problems/issues/diseases the baby is prone to based on the birth parents medical history which we can ask about at anytime.....to the actual source.....the birth parents.
- The birth parents have the peace of mind of knowing and seeing that they made the best decision they could be seeing how cared and loved the baby is.
July 1, 2010
Maybe Baby?
It was time for us to grow up. I mean it isn't like we haven't made tough or important decisions before in our life. After all, we were two men.....who got married....or was it committed....not the involuntary kind of committed, but the happily-ever-after-or-as-much-happiness-as-the-state-of-MN-would-allow kind of committed. We had always mentioned a baby in passing, but we never really forced ourselves to make a decision. And then one day, everything changed.
We were driving home from Jon's parent's condo in IA and my sister called and broke the news, she was pregnant. After congratulating her and hanging up......BAM!!! It was like I ran full-force into a brick wall! My sister was grown-up and made a grown-up decision to be a mother, meanwhile it seemed like Jon and I were just playing house waiting to be grown-ups. And then it hit me, it was like the Fertility Gods were working overtime and it wasn't just my sister who had grown-up.....everyone was growing up. Suddenly I realized, the past 3 months could be summarized as babies, babies, babies! When I really thought about it, EVERYONE I knew was having babies.
And amongst all of the joy and pure elation, Jon and I could both feel an incredible sense of sadness swirling around inside of us. It felt so wrong and so selfish to be jealous at such a significant crossroads of our closest friend's and family's lives. But we couldn't shake the feeling no matter where we went. I blame my inability to shake the blues on the baby at Ruby Tuesday's who kept peek-a-booing with me, or the dad wiping the ice cream off his son's chin at Dairy Queen, or the JIF peanut butter commercial that made me cry (which I thankfully was able to conceal from Jon) where the little girl surprises her dad with a sandwich.
And then we talked and talked and then talked some more. And amongst all the talking came the questions. Would Jon and I ever experience the joys of parenthood? Even if we could navigate the laws and limitations of gay adoption, could we handle the stigma of being two men with a baby? Could we handle watching our child stigmatized as the boy or girl with "the two dads?" This decision would forever impact all three of our lives. No trip to Applebee's, plane ride, or parent teacher conference would go unnoticed by somebody in our immediate vicinity ever again. When Jon and I want to "blend," for the most part we can. But if we have a baby in tow, we would need to master a tactful answer to the inevitable question asked by every stranger we would encounter as they coo and ogle our baby....."where's mommy?" These are things most people don't ever have to think about, but they are thoughts that consumed us......or maybe just consumed me.
And then we answered those questions and came to a decision, which surprised us both. At the end of the day, giving a child a great life who might of otherwise had a terrible life, experiencing the joys of parenthood, having love and support from family and friends, and proving our skeptics wrong (that two loving people, despite their situation, CAN be phenomenal parents) pointed us towards the path to becoming parents.
So, let the journey begin. The process is being documented not to see how many hits we can receive or to gain notoriety, but to give our child, may we be lucky enough to get one, a journal to show them how hard we fought to get them. So that when that moment arises where the stigma of being the kid with "the two dads" catches up to them and they question why they couldn't have gotten more "normal" parents, they know our decision to bring them into our life was not light-hearted, but the most important decision we ever made and came from a place of undying love.
We were driving home from Jon's parent's condo in IA and my sister called and broke the news, she was pregnant. After congratulating her and hanging up......BAM!!! It was like I ran full-force into a brick wall! My sister was grown-up and made a grown-up decision to be a mother, meanwhile it seemed like Jon and I were just playing house waiting to be grown-ups. And then it hit me, it was like the Fertility Gods were working overtime and it wasn't just my sister who had grown-up.....everyone was growing up. Suddenly I realized, the past 3 months could be summarized as babies, babies, babies! When I really thought about it, EVERYONE I knew was having babies.
And amongst all of the joy and pure elation, Jon and I could both feel an incredible sense of sadness swirling around inside of us. It felt so wrong and so selfish to be jealous at such a significant crossroads of our closest friend's and family's lives. But we couldn't shake the feeling no matter where we went. I blame my inability to shake the blues on the baby at Ruby Tuesday's who kept peek-a-booing with me, or the dad wiping the ice cream off his son's chin at Dairy Queen, or the JIF peanut butter commercial that made me cry (which I thankfully was able to conceal from Jon) where the little girl surprises her dad with a sandwich.
And then we talked and talked and then talked some more. And amongst all the talking came the questions. Would Jon and I ever experience the joys of parenthood? Even if we could navigate the laws and limitations of gay adoption, could we handle the stigma of being two men with a baby? Could we handle watching our child stigmatized as the boy or girl with "the two dads?" This decision would forever impact all three of our lives. No trip to Applebee's, plane ride, or parent teacher conference would go unnoticed by somebody in our immediate vicinity ever again. When Jon and I want to "blend," for the most part we can. But if we have a baby in tow, we would need to master a tactful answer to the inevitable question asked by every stranger we would encounter as they coo and ogle our baby....."where's mommy?" These are things most people don't ever have to think about, but they are thoughts that consumed us......or maybe just consumed me.
And then we answered those questions and came to a decision, which surprised us both. At the end of the day, giving a child a great life who might of otherwise had a terrible life, experiencing the joys of parenthood, having love and support from family and friends, and proving our skeptics wrong (that two loving people, despite their situation, CAN be phenomenal parents) pointed us towards the path to becoming parents.
So, let the journey begin. The process is being documented not to see how many hits we can receive or to gain notoriety, but to give our child, may we be lucky enough to get one, a journal to show them how hard we fought to get them. So that when that moment arises where the stigma of being the kid with "the two dads" catches up to them and they question why they couldn't have gotten more "normal" parents, they know our decision to bring them into our life was not light-hearted, but the most important decision we ever made and came from a place of undying love.
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