Seattle Seminar

Jon and I ultimately survived our adoption agency trip.  While there, we we have two days of seminars and then one day of interviews from 9:00 - 5:00 pm.  We met a lot of great people including the other 4 couples who were in the seminar with us and then the adoption counselors who will be tasked with the job of facilitating our adoption once we are chosen.  We absolutely LOVED our main counselor and look forward to working with her in the future. 

During our 2-day seminar, we heard real life stories from adoptive parents, birth parents who've given their children up for adoption, and a lawyer who specializes in adoption law.  We got all of our questions answered in that regard.  Additionally, we talked about having trans-racial babies, drug and alcohol exposure of birth parents and their children, and our own emotional health while we are captive "waiting" for the call.  In the room with us were the following 4 couples:

• The same-sex hippie male couple
• The Indian couple who already have a child but feel it is there moral obligation to adopt their second child.
• Susie Cries-a-Lot and her husband Mr. Distracted who seemed very disconnected from the whole adoption process.  She literally cried the whole time. 
• The young couple (our age) who had trouble conceiving and were just content listening to the rest of us interact. 

During our all day interview, we were asked questions on everything regarding our lives while our counselor took copious, hand-written notes.  I was simply amazed by her stamina during this 8 hour interview-a-thon.  We were asked about everything:

• What we thought our parents did right
• What we thought our parents did wrong
• Disciplining our child
• Our daily schedule (from the moment we wake up till the moment we go to bed)
• Our relationships with our friends (are they short-term, long-term, surface relationships, etc)
• Our values and morals
• Our religious practices for our whole life
• How we met, where we met, and when we met
• What our wedding was like
• And on, and on, and on.....

Under different circumstances, this could have been highly annoying.  But between our counselor's outlook on life, our general light-hearted responses, and constant reassurance from our counselor, the time just flew by and was rather enjoyable.  It is almost never that people actually act or are interested as you talk to them for 8 hours about just your life and not anything about theirs.  It was rather lethargic. 

We also received the news that based on the few "little things" we need to do and that "big things" that they need to do (type out her 500 pages of notes from our interviews), our estimated time into the pool of candidates will be 4-6 weeks from now.

Adoption Agency or Bust!!

Jon and I are heading to our adoption agency on the West Coast this afternoon. Wednesday and Thursday are our seminars in which our adoption agency will bring in a host of adoptive parents, birth parents, adopted children, adopted adults, lawyers, etc for us to hear their stories, fire questions at, etc. There will be a total of 6 couples in the two day seminar.

Then on Friday, we have an all day interview with our adoption counselor who will begin formatting our “Parent Profile” which is essentially a 20 – 30 page dossier (their word, not mine) of our life stories, reasons for wanting to adopt, social worker’s perception of us and our home, pictures, etc. Jon and I will also have to construct a “Dear Birthmother Letter” which is essentially the first thing the birthparents see in the dossier which is our chance to “sell” ourselves to the birthparents and why we think we are the right couple to be chosen. The “Parent Profile” is what the adoption agency will then start distributing to birth parents that are looking for an adoptive couple to take their baby.  We should also find out roughly how long it will take them to put this dossier together which will tell us an approximate date of when we will be entering the pool of approved candidates ready to take a baby.  All along, Jon and I have been telling ourselves roughly November 1, but we should get a much more accurate timeline on our trip.  This means any day from the date we are approved, we could receive the call………or not receive the call of course if that is the way the cookie crumbles. 

Witty Retorts

Our Home Study Social Worker was telling us horror stories about her own personal experiences and the experiences of others when it comes to stranger's tendencies to put their foots in their mouths regarding adoption.  It was incredible and appalling to hear some of the stories she would tell.  But one in particular had Jon and I crying from laughter.  And it just has to be shared.

Our Social Worker told us to be prepared for incredibly invasive questions from strangers such as:

• Whose kid is that?
• Where did you get that kid from? 
• Is that kid adopted? 
• Do you know where his/her real parents are?  (This one infuriates me!)

Anywho, so this Caucasian lady is at the grocery store with her two African-American children.  She is in the checkout line when the following exchange takes place:

Woman in Checkout Line: Where did you get those kids from?
Mom: I found them in aisle 7 in the frozen food section.

Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!  We need to remember that one! 

I really don't understand what motivates human beings to be so ugly or to think it is their right to ask such questions.  Don't get me wrong.....it isn't that such questions can't be asked.  However, there is a tactful and far less intrusive way of asking.  And mostly, those questions should be reserved for people who are not complete strangers.  Just because my child is adopted, what makes some stranger think they are privy to my child's back story?

Home Study Visits - One & Two

Well, we survived our Home Studies.....both of them.  The process was significantly easier and less stressful than either of us imagined.  Tuesday night while both Jon and I were on our knees peeking out our bedroom waiting for her to pull in the driveway, we were hot, sweaty, emotionally unstable messes.  And now looking back, that behavior seems incredibly ridiculous considering how easy the process really was.  I am not going to say this is how it is for everyone, but it was for us. 

Day One- Tuesday, October 5th
She came over to our house, we showed her around, and she gave us literally zero feedback as to whether she found our house suitable or not for a child.  We know our house is suitable, but there are some dangers mainly including a set of stairs on every level of our house.  I mean we know how we will circumvent this, but we still expected her to ask us how it would be done. 

We then sat down at the table and she asked us zero questions about ourselves and proceeded to talk and talk and talk for the next two hours.  Don't get me wrong, almost everything she said was valuable and aimed at exposing us to all of the possibilities we might face based on the age and race of our child to dealing with the age, race, mental and physical condition of the birth mother.  She also talked about the perceptions of the rest of the world on adoption. 

She told us very detailed stories about her three children - all who are adopted.  She then told a few pro-gay antidotes which let Jon and I know she was most definitely on our side and then as fast as she came into our house, she was gone.  She said the appointment would be two hours and I literally believe she walked out the door at the 1 hour, 59 minute, 59 second mark. 

Oh yea and I have to mention that our dogs behaved like little angels!

Day Two - Thursday, October 7th
This was supposed to be our interview portion and last for two hours.  She asked us some general questions regarding our intentions for discipline, religion, decision-making processes, etc.  Jon and I answered those questions thoughtfully and purposefully.  And after about 20 minutes or so, the questions ended and the talking began......again.  For the next hour and forty minutes, Jon and I just listened to her talk.  And again, this was not a bad thing.  She has such valuable information to give and this time was aimed at being honest about adoption with our child and not hiding anything about the process from them (I think we have a good head start with this blog).  She talked about the emotional process that almost all adopted children will go through in their life.  And then, she asked if we had any questions.  We asked one or two questions and then she said "oh, in case I forgot to tell you, you are approved!!"  She told us our home study write-up would be done in about 2-3 weeks (right in time for our visit to the adoption agency).

This is a HUGE milestone for Jon and I and puts us literally within a month or two of being in the pool of candidates to receive a baby!!  It suddenly made this process feel all the more real. 

What's In a Name?

Well, I hate to break it to you kiddo, but in case you didn't notice, you have two dads.  And this presents one huge problem when it comes to typical naming conventions. 

If I was a woman (no comments from the peanut gallery) and I married your father, my name would be Keith Adam McMaken.  Simple enough right?  Well, minus my occasional PMS related-meltdowns (I have had women tell me that so it isn't meant offensively), I can assure you I am not a woman.  Therefore, I kept my name and your father kept his name when we married.  So what should your last name be? 

From what we have read, we couldn't simply name you just one of our last names because then in the event the other parent is traveling with you (or we are in another situation where identification is required), we will constantly look like we are trying to abduct you and be subject to a barrage of questioning.  Additionally, doesn't giving you just one of our last names imply a different level of commitment or lay claim to you as one person's child over the other?  Though we will know this isn't the case, do we really need to make ourselves stand out more?

However, hyphenating our name seems to add a level of complexity to your life that we don't know is too great either:

1. I am annoyed with the length of my own last name and mine is only 7 letters long!  Burgess-McMaken is 15 letters long....that is over half of the length of the Alphabet.  With the amount of times you have to sign your name in life, this just seems like cruel and unusual punishment!!  (Unless you sign your name like your father, Aunt Kelly, or Grandpa Burgess who both just sign a squiggly line for their last names).
2. How the hell are they going to get Burgess-McMaken written on the back of a football jersey or the back of a letter jacket or any other thing like that? 
3. When people ask you why your last name is hyphenated (which they inevitably will), we don't want you to have to constantly "out" yourself as having two dads.  Life can be cruel enough without that added pressure. 

Your dad and I are really struggling with this.  This is yet another thing we want you to know we have thought long and hard about.  We have also debated changing our own last name to one or the other (Burgess or McMaken) or a famous last name mix concocted by my sister.....Burgaken.  But this seems like a crazy midlife change to undergo when we are already in such a long, stressful process. 

Anybody have any suggestions/preferences they could offer?  We wold be glad to hear from anybody!!

Home Study Time

We officially have it marked on our calendar even though we keep imagining it isn't really going to happen.  We have our Home Study on Tuesday, October 2nd from 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm and another on Thursday, October 4th (time TBD). 

We wouldn't normally be scared but Jon and I tend to feed off one another when it comes to these type of things.  And we did what anybody in the world with any common sense would tell you not to do....we consulted the Internet.  It is like when you have a big, hairy wart in a peculiar place on your body (I am not talking about me, I am talking about this friend of mine of course) and while it is just that.....a big, hairy wart in a peculiar place on your body, the Internet has a way to tell you that wart is incurable cancer.  Well, according to the Internet, our home is cancerous.

Jon and I can field any questions about our desire to adopt, relationship, our pasts, our family, friends, etc., but we can't control the things we can't control.  And one of the things we can't control is our dogs.  And while 99% of the time our dogs act like normally, happy dogs.....1% of the time they act possessive and aggressive with strangers.  Let me clarify that our dogs have NEVER bitten or attacked anyone.  I can say with the utmost confidence that we know they would never bite anyone and have seen them both be extraordinarily gentle with children (our nephew Cody rides Rossi around like a horse).  However, if you get one person who misjudges a bark or a growl for something more than it really is, it could spell big trouble for us. 

We have been fastidiously working with our dogs on jumping, barking, etc., but mainly on remaining calm.  They are actually doing quite well, but that is because it has only been Jon and I.  Add a stranger into the mix and Lord only knows what will happen.

Pray for us if you will.....we only need to get past 2, two-hour sessions with the Social Worker without incident and we are heading towards the finish line.......err.....the finish line of this part of the process.